Sunday, April 26, 2009

Book Review: Twilight, by Stephanie Meyer

You all get the basic jist of the series. I have one thing and only one thing to say of this book: Glorified Shit.
She spends pages and pages describing how Edward beautifully shone in the sun or whatever, and yet gives a measly five pages to his siblings' much cooler back stories (like Rosalie's, which sounds a lot like Kill Bill with vampires. Kill Bill! With Vampires!).
The main characters have no personalities to speak of. Bella seems to not exist before she met Edward, and continues to not exist whenever he's gone. As for him, all he seems to do is be hot and resist eating Bella.
Severe, almost offensive masochist undertones. This freaky kid sits at her window every night, nearly kills her on several occasions, leaves her for months, but she can forgive him every time because he loves her. Sounds like an episode of Oprah. Or 60 Minutes, depending on how far this scenario has progressed.
For the men who read this series to maybe get some vampire action, it seems like by the time Meyer got to the sex, she realizes people are reading this now and cuts off. Sorry. Spoilers.
Speaking of Meyer, it seems like she's using the worst possible example of a Mary Sue (idealized and perfect to the point of annoying) character: the author surrogate. Who the author wishes she were. Let's look at Bella for a minute: Brown hair. Brown eyes. "Soft curves". Clumsy (because, of course, every character has to have only one flaw in their entire being, and apparently, clumsiness is considered the perfect flaw, because it's not an actual flaw). Let's look at Meyer--oh, wait. We don't. Look at a picture of her when she was 17. Except for the curves, which I believe she says to flatter herself, you've got what Stephanie Meyer visioned Bella as.
Jacob is my favorite character, because he's the only one who realizes that Edward is a jerk, possessive stalker. So, when Meyer realizes this, she has to immediately villainize him via kissing Bella. So now everyone's against him, and his plans have been foiled. Do you see how stupid this is? Do you?
And yet, Bella is also an ingenious way of luring in readers, which I have to respect Meyer for, whether she intended it or not. Bella is the perfect blank screen, the girl so flat and vague she could well be any girl in the country. And that's what every girl in the country likes to think.
Finally (and this is just speculation), have you ever gotten the feeling that Edward can control his 'hunger' fine, and that he's just avoiding doing it with Bella? Now why, oh why, would Edward not want to fuck Bella? She's, according Meyer, heavily coveted by every male in her school, despite her plain at best looks and numbi9ng personality. She's his supposed soul mate. She's practically tying herself to his bed with nothing on but furry handcuffs, lube, and bunny ears. WHat could possess a beautiful, sparkling teenage vampire who goes on extended mountain 'hunting' trips with his adopted brothers not to hit that?
What oh what?


  1. lol i love how you think outside the goddamn box =]

  2. Actually, he doesn't just sit by her window. He actually OILS the window, creeps inside her room and sits in a rocking chair all night along next to her bed. Hilarious, btw.